12/05/2009

Unataka Kuoa Mchaga?


Leo asubuhi na mapema, rafiki yangu mmoja (jina kapuni) alinipigia simu, ambayo kwa kweli ndiyo iliyonizindua katika lepe la usingizi. 

Mambo vipi mkubwa?... aliniamkua rafiki yangu huyo, nikamwitikia baada ya kuitambua sauti yake yenye kibesi (kwa wanakwaya ile sauti ya nne). Baada ya kuamkuana na kusabahiana akaniuliza nategemea kurudi lini bongo, nikamjulisha nategemea kurudi mwishoni mwa mwezi huu wa tano kwa ajili ya likizo. Ndipo akanijulisha kuwa anategemea kuoa, nami baada ya kusikia hivyo nikampongeza kwa uamuzi huo, nikamtania kidogo kuwa sasa angalau hata kule "kupiga mtindi" (kulewa) kwa kujisahau kama ilivyokawaida yake kutapungua kama sio kwisha kabisa...manake jamaa yangu huyu (potelea mbali hata kama ananisoma hapa, teh!) ni "chapombe" kiaina!

Katika kustorisha, nikamdodosa kidogo kuhusu mtarajiwa wake, akanijulisha kuwa ni binti mmoja mantashala wa kichaga, kwa maana anayetokea mkoani Kilimanjaro kule kwa watani zangu akina Mathawe, Mrotho, Chuwa na akina mama Manka na akina dada Koero (sina uhakika sana lakini hapa, labda dada Koero mwenyewe atusaidie, teh!). Nikamuahidi rafiki yangu huyu kuwa nitakuwa naye bega kwa bega katika mikiki mikiki hii ya kuoa, manake mambo haya jamani hayana fomula (tuliyoyapitia tunajua adha za kupeleka suruali kwa fundi nguo kupunguzwa kiuno, na kwa fundi viatu kuweka soli mpya teh!kaazi kweli kweli!).

Mchana wa leo wakati napitia pitia vyanzo vya habari kujijulisha yaliyojiri, nikakutana na ucheshi ambao ulinifanya nimkumbuke tena rafiki yangu anayetaka kuoa. Si vibaya nikiwashirikisha ucheshi huu ndugu zangu wadau (huenda wengine mmeshawahi kuusoma au hata kuusikia).

UNATAKA KUOA MCHAGA?

There is no Chagga tribe but just different groups of people living around that mountain of Kilimanjaro with the following characteristics: 

WAMACHAME: Huwezi kujua nani mwanamke na ni nani mwanaume. Kila kitu ni pesa. Yaani hata kama ni mkeo wa ndoa inakuwa hivi " kama hutoi pesa ya mbege ndoa yangu sikupi babangu" Basi kule Machame chakula cha ndoa au nimesemaje? Kufanya mapenzi ni kwa kipimo, ukiwa katikati mama anakwambia stoooooop! Hapo shilingi hamsini zako ndio zimekwisha, ukitaka ongeza ndio uendelee. Jamani nasema MKE WA NDOA! 

WAKIBOSHO: Specialized bandits. Akina Mama wakiwa wanatoa soga na mwenzie utawasikia hivi" Yaani Dadangu we acha tu yule Alex wangu siku hizi amepefuka kweli, ana akili we acha tu! Haibi tena mfukoni siku hisi ameunda kundi lake la ujambasi, Krisimasi hii lasima nitaletewa fitenge file fya Kongo. Ladies likewise AKIOLEWA NA KYASAKA baba na mama wanamwambia " hivi wewe huyu mwanaume kwani ni ndugu yako? Leta hizo pesa sake tujengee huku kwetu Manka!! 

WAURU: Very boring people, wakikaa ni kuonge kuhusu shule tuuuuuuuuu, masomo, digrii Yaani yukanoti bilivu! Babu wa miaka 70 bado madaftari yake ya primary ameweka sandukuni!! Atawaonyesha wajukuu zake "Ona hand writing yangu ilivyokuwa nzuri wakati nafundishwa na Father Wilson Payatt". Wanakumbuka majina ya waalimu wao hasa wazungu tangu chekechea. Wanamwogopa sana Mungu. Kengele ya KANISANI ikilia saa sita utaona wazee wote kilabuni wanaamka na kusali sala ya mchana ndio wanaendelea kunywa mbege. 

WA-OLD MOSHI: Aktuale aliyewahi kuwa festi ledi ni beauty Queen kule kwao. Yaani mimi sisemi nenda kachague wewe mwenyewe. Wanaume niwabishi! Wanakunywa kisusio cha Nguruwe!! Na Gongo nyingiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 

WAMARANGU: Wanaume wote ni waongo. Actually kuna somo la "jinsi ya kudanganya" shule zote za primary kule Marangu. Both wanaume na Wanawake maisha ni raha tupu. Kwa Mmarangu halisi, kwanza ananunua gari, anachapa maisha, nae kulala kwenye gari wakati kodi ya nyumba inamshinda ni jambo la kawaida. 

WAROMBO: Kazi mtindo mmoja! Wanawake tunawaita "KUBOTA" aina ya matrekta waliyosambazwa Kilimanjaro na Wajapani. Watafutaji wa pesa!!!! We acha tu. Lakini ukimchezea anakuua na kukimbilia Kenya . 

Wadau, najua mnaweza kunishukia na mvua ya maneno, jamani mi kazi yangu hapa ilikuwa ni kukaweka tu haka ka post. Nimekatoa sehemu, nitawatajia mkihitaji... ila kama rafiki yangu anasoma hii, namshauri kama nilivyomwambia moningi...endeleaaaaa... huu ni ucheshi tu kusukuma siku...watani zangu wachaga wako poa sana, si ndiyo jamani wadau?
 

23 comments:

  1. Hii kali lakini nzuri,mie ni mdada wa kichaga natokea sehemu za Sanya juu na ni Msiha,haya yote uliyoyasema sina uhakika nayo,ila ninachoweza kusema sisi wanawake wa kichaga ni wachapa kazi sana,kwa huyo kaka anayetaka kuoa mchaga go ahead naamini kabisa utafurahia ndoa.Kila la heri!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kumbe we kaka ni mchokozi:-) ila safi sana kuwa na utani wa aina hii ndio moja ya maisha. Mwambe rafiki yako asitunyime kadi

    ReplyDelete
  3. Teh, jamani da Yasinta mie walaa si mchokodhi!Kama unavyosema ni utani tu, utani katika maisha yetu ya kiafrika unatufanya tudumishe mahusiano mema kati yetu...una umuhimu wake! Nitamjulisha,akichomoa, zile zangu nitakupa moja, teh!siku njema!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mkuu, hii post imefanya siku yangu yani nimecheka mpaka basi.It is good for health.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kweli Kamarade Tram, hongera kwa kuboresha afya kupitia ucheshi!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kucheka ni afya,yaani baada ya kusoma hii topic nimecheka hadi machozi wewe kaka mchokozi sana.namtakia kila la heri anayetaka kuoa.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nilidhani kwetu Kenya ndipo watu hupakwa sifa za kweli na uongo... kumbe kokote kule!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hongera da Manka, tena we ndo wa kule kule, teh! Nimefurahi pia kuona umecheka, believe me, una kama miaka miwili ya nyongeza ya kuishi toka ile ulopangiwa kuishi!Karibu tena kijijini!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nimejawa sana na furaha kaka yangu kwa kunijibu,Nakuambia mi ni wa kulekule,nimeshakaribia kijijini na nitakuwa na kutembelea kila siku.keep up the good work!!!! na uzidi kutufurahisha.kule kwetu kijijini tunasema (Aika mbe)asante sana.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Shukrani sana ithee Manka dadangu!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Haya kaka... mie naogopa hata kusema nimetokea upande gani hasa ila tu jua ni Mchaga! Naungana mkono na Anony wa kwanza kwamba wadada/wamama wa kichaga (wote tu kwa ujumla) wanajulikana kwa uchapa kazi... hayo mengine duh, heri mimi sijasema!

    By the way, this posting planted a smile on my face, nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Serina hata huku, tena afadhali hii ya watani zangu wachaga, kuna nyingine kali za makabila mengine, naendelea kuzisaka nikizipata nitazirusha tusogeze siku.

    Anony wa 13/05/09 10:22, ahsante kwa kutembelea kijijini, karibu tena na tena, nimefurahi kusikia umetasabamu (umetabasamu)!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hii nusura inipite..Duh!!!!!
    akini naogopa maana mie Suriama wa hayo makabila mawili Yaani mchaga Mpare..........

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wachagga wamekuwa watani wa kila mtu!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Kamarade Kaluse, usishangae, cheka unenepe! da Koero angalia usiwe wa mwisho mpaka katika "ufalme wa mbingu" teh!Huo Usuriama inabidi tuuangalie kwa mara ya pili..ila baba si mchaga?Chib, hata Mwanasosholojia ni mtani wa wachaga!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kaka,

    Mimi si mchaga ila nina kaka zangu wameoa mabinti wa kichaga na kwa kweli nawafagilia sana kwa kuchapa kazi na kujua maisha kwani dunia ya sasa imebadilika sana ni wakati ambao mwanamke naye anatakiwa kuwa mchangiaji katika pato la familia.
    Ila mmm kuna utani mwingine una kaukweli fulani.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hakika umenifurahisha sana yaani nimecheka mpaka nimenenepa kutokana kulenga maisha ya kijana anayetaka kuoa mchaga na mimi. Yaani hata mimi ninamchumba mchaga na ninategemea kufunga naye ndoa akimaliza masomo yake chuo kikuu.

    Yaani rafudhi uliyoitumia imenikumbushia rafudhi yake tukiwa tunaongea naye yaani huwa naipenda rafudhi ya kichaga ndiyo maana nimeamua kuchumbua mchaga.

    Tupe tena nyingine hiyohiyo ya kichaga tucheke mpaka basi.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Three Chaggas and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a
    football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a
    ticket and watch as the three Chagga buy just one ticket between them.
    How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one
    of the English. "Watch and learn," answers one Massawe.
    They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all
    three Chagga cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly
    after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the
    tickets.He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door
    opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
    conductor takes it and moves on.
    The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide
    to copy the Chagga on the return trip and save some money.
    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
    trip... To their astonishment, the Chagga don't buy a ticket at all
    !!"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
    English."Watch and learn..." says one Mushi.
    When they board the train the three Chagga cram into a toilet and soon
    after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs.
    Shortly afterwards, Kimaro leaves the toilet and sneaks
    across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door
    and says, "Ticket please..."

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  19. These are typical chagga’s. Ooh my lord!




    Chagga's Funeral

    A Tanzanian family was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
    arrived from the US . It was sent by one of her daughters. The dead body
    was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that the face touched the
    glass lid! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which
    read as follows: -'Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's
    body to you for burial, since it has always been her wish to be buried
    in the compound of our ancestral home in machame . Sorry I could not
    come along as I have been denied leave at work since we are short
    staffed this month. You will find inside the coffin, under Mama's body,
    12 cans of canned fish,10 packets of Royco soup and 8 tins of hot
    chocolate. Please divide these among yourselves. On Mama's feet, you
    will find a new pair of Reebok shoes size 9 for mushi's eldest son.
    Also, there are 2pairs of shoes for urasa's and kwayu's daughters.
    Hope the sizes are correct.
    Mama is wearing 6 American t-shirts. The large size is for Manka and
    the others are for my nephews. The 2 new Levis jeans that Mama is
    wearing are for the boys.
    The Swiss watch that Koku wanted for her 21st birthday is on Mama's
    left wrist. Aunt Rebeka, Mama is wearing the necklace, earrings and the
    ring that you asked for. Please take them.
    The 6 white cotton socks that Mama is wearing must be divided among my
    teenage nephews. Please distribute all these accordingly and if anything
    more is required, let me know since our Pappa is also not doing well
    nowadays.

    Your loving sister!!
    Mama Manka

    ReplyDelete
  20. Fita ahsante sana na karibu kijijini, nakutakia kila la kheri katika subira yako, huyo mtani wangu unayetaka kumuoa, lazima atakuwa mke mwema kama walivyo watani wangu wadada wa kichaga.

    Anony wangu wadau wote mliotuma vichekesho vya kichaga nawashukuru sana sana sana!mmenifurahisha sana, endeleeni jamani, hiki ni kijiji chetu!

    ReplyDelete
  21. WACHAGA TUKO JUU TUNAJUA HOW TO FIND MANOY AND HOW TO USE IT ITS ME MMACHAMEE

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kama kuna kabila la hovyo duniani si jingine bali wachaga. Wachaga wanasifika kwa wizi,umalaya tena wa ndugu kwa ndugu, uvivu wa kautaka wengine watengeneze wao wachume. Kuoa mchaga au mpare ni afadhali kuoa mbwa unaweza kupata nafuu.

    ReplyDelete